I Love Getting Really Smashed . . . and Twins!
Source: San Francisco Chronicle (CA)
Author: Jon Carroll
Published: Thursday, January 30, 2003
Copyright: 2003 San Francisco Chronicle - Page E - 12
Contact: [email protected]
They keep saying satire is dead because reality is always weirder -- and they keep proving it. Happened again during the Super Bowl. Just unbelievable. First we had an ad brought to us by the U.S. government's War on Some Drugs.
It shows a couple looking expectantly at a strip from a home pregnancy test. Apparently, the news is bad -- the test is positive. The voice-over announces solemnly that they're about to become the youngest grandparents on their block.
We cut to a different angle and see a teenage girl sitting on a toilet and crying.
Then the ad suggests that the girl became pregnant because she smoked pot, which no doubt loosened her inhibitions and caused her to go all the way with Jason.
The rest of the Super Bowl brought numerous beer ads featuring young dudes partying with hot babes. The babes gyrated and sucked their lower lips. The guys grinned and slapped each other on the back. There were sexy twins in bikinis. There was revelry. And the message was: Buy our beer. You'll have fun with our beer. You'll get really hammered and meet twins who will leer at you seductively.
Oh yes, gals really like guys who are puking on the sidewalk.
Do women get pregnant because their inhibitions have been lowered by too much alcohol? Oh, never. Beer is good and fun and legal. Pot is bad and dangerous, which is why it's illegal. Smoke pot: lots of consequences. Drink beer: no consequences.
I have heard that beer leads to the harder stuff -- wine, brandy, even vodka. But that's probably a rumor started by people who don't want you to have fun.
It is my personal opinion that the government should get out of the business of punishing people who use illegal drugs. I don't mind a list of controlled substances -- I don't want crack available over the counter -- but I think putting people in jail for getting high or for selling drugs is ludicrous. Let's decriminalize it and shift our law enforcement to larger areas of need.
If the government thinks differently, OK. But then it really has to do something about alcohol. Alcohol is probably the most dangerous recreational drug known. It harms the body -- brain, liver, pancreas -- more than heroin. It impedes motor reflexes more than cocaine. And as for pot -- well, ask any cop whether he'd rather arrest someone stoned on pot or loaded on booze.
Carnage on our nation's highways, friends. Carnage in our nation's families.
Do you know someone whose family was broken up by alcoholism? Do you know someone who was beaten by her father when he got liquored up? OK, same question about pot. There are certainly people who mess up their lives by smoking too much pot, but mostly they eat Cheetos and watch "American Idol."
And as for families -- you want heartbreak, look at the families who have fathers or brothers or daughters in prison for drug-related offenses. The drugs didn't destroy those families, the government did -- the same government that finds a useful distinction between alcohol and marijuana.
The Super Bowl ads cost between $2 million and $2.2 million for 30 seconds of airtime. The government ran two spots. Say $4 million. The city of Oakland is threatening to close the majority of its libraries because of budget shortages. Would $4 million help that problem? Oh my yes.
The hidden costs of the War on Some Drugs are staggering. Take all the money spent on law enforcement, all the money spent on advertisements, all the salaries and expenses for all the drug czars -- all those bucks going to fight a hypocritical war that will never be won. Maybe it's not satire after all.
Maybe it's tragedy.
It's a place called Miller Time, a dank cavern smelling of bat guano.
I love little baby ducks, old pickup trucks -- [email protected]
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